Log in

Sarah [userpic]
Something to Live for
by Sarah (grrli)
at October 14th, 2007 (10:11 pm)

Title:Something to Live For
Author: grrli
Pairing/Character: Dean and his thoughts, Lisa, Sam, Ben and Impala (of course)
Word Count: Not crazy long
Prompt: 10
Summary: Dean's family extends, and it's one of those dream/nightmares come true.
Spoilers: Hell yes.
Warnings: As cold weather descends, watch your space heaters, SRSLY, because it only takes a moment for a dog, cat, or child to totally turn the world upside down on you.
Disclaimer: Oh, I claim nothing. Even when I deserve it, usually. Stupid issues.

Something to Live For

She just said it the one time, but it echoed. Lisa. Gumby girl, what the hell...
Pressing his palm to his forehead, he nodded, smiled at her worried look.

"I'm glad. I... couldn't even imagine being lucky enough to have a kid like Ben and now... you're telling me just that. Moment I saw him... I just... I felt like he was a little slice of me, you know?"

His head tilted, a self effacing look crossing his features. And then she kissed him and it wasn't because she was 'in love' with him or anything, he didn't think. It's because he wasn't giving her her own secret nightmare of rejection of his kid.

Who could do that?

Dean could never quite get why people out there could just... deny the existence of something so huge as their kid. A legacy like that, and people just... throw it away. Every day. He never understood it.

"When I said he wasn't yours, I kind of lied. Ben... he's... he has to be yours. There is no other way he could be anyone else but your son, Dean."

It echoed when he steps out and goes over to the Impala where Sam was waiting. Head reeling over it, he leaned against the roof, head down to the open window, eyes on the house instead of his brother's face. Sam's eyes were full of questions and not demanding an answer to any of them because of the whole soul traded for his thing.

He was doing okay with that, so far. Dean kind of figured he was searching for answers, probably looking for ways to welch the deal but Dean was pretty confident it was iron clad. Especially if... But this all changes stuff, doesn't it?

"Sam, I uh... Lisa asked me to stay over. So I figure I'll do that. You head back to the motel," He looked at Sam, gaging his response. Not particularly caring, because he'd get what he could while he could, and screw Sam if he didn't like it. It was the other part, while they were bringing Ben back. The little Ben said, the way Sam looked at the both of them, like he knew. One glance and he did the DNA test. Maybe demonically touched psychics could do that.

Ouch. That was a bad thought. Not fair to Sam, especially now. He had enough of his own doubts without dealing with Dean's. Dean smiled, a half twitch of his lips, a nudge of his fist on Sam's shoulder. Sam took it gamely, nodding.

"Sure. And, hey... I don't mind sticking around a while, if you want. However long... I can work information gathering anywhere, right?" Sam smiled up at him, tentative. Maybe his way of saying, you want to indulge in the fantasy? Go for it. It was lame when you wanted Gumby girl, but this is as far from shallow as you've gone so far. Go for it.

Dean could even see Sam insisting he stay the rest of the year. The idea of that was way too far out of his field of imagination concerning the remaining future of Dean Winchester. He stopped entertaining that thought as soon as it crossed his mind.

Ben Winchester. That name came through his head with no forewarning. It stabbed him in the gut instantly, as soon as he thought it. For some reason, he wanted to wave Sam off right then and go get with Lisa. Right then. So he did, one last thwap of Sam's shaggy-dog head and he was jogging back to the front door. Opening it like it was his.

Falling into the fantasy as easy as it was to fall asleep after an all night bender.

She met him in the hall, and she had this hopeful look that made him say, "Sent my brother back to the motel. When's Ben usually knock off his feet?"

"Twenty minutes," she said, her arms already around his neck. Mouth on his without a next breath.

She may not have been instantly in love with him, but he knew she loved how he touched her when she kissed him. Somehow, she seemed way more beautiful than when he first saw her, and when he saw her again after those eight years. More passionate. Maybe it was just him.

It was hard to pull back from her, to stop exploring her lips with his but when she laughed and said it was time to wrestle the little beast to bed he laughed too. Talking the whole time he got ready, it seemed like cake to Dean to get Ben to the bed and tuck him in. The hard part was getting away from him after that.

He had a bajillion questions about monsters and hunting and safety and ... stuff that Dean only gave a marginal crap about right now. Lisa was right behind him, leaning against him, a hand on his thigh so casually driving him crazy with the need for her to touch him more. Without the pesky clothes business.

She finally cut the questions off, and told him firmly to go to sleep, Dean would be there in the morning to harangue. Dean agreed blindly, and they both slipped out, backing away. Left the light on tonight and double-checked the windows for obvious reasons.

That one night? Blew that whole week of eight years ago totally away. Dean might have sworn he saw God and been serious at least three times that night. Maybe four, it got a little blurry when the sky was hazing deep blue and promising to be clear for when the sun actually rose.

He woke to the smell of warm brown hair and the feel of fingers curling in the hair below his belly. Skin on skin, and soft, sleepy kisses, followed by laughter and Lisa flinging herself out of bed, grabbing up a robe, and flying down the stairs. The sound of Ben's lighter voice and hers making him lie very still on sheets that still smelled like the night before.

Listening. Eyes on the sunlight that dappled the wall, sparkling on the mirror. Beautiful. This beautiful lie. It squeezed his throat tight. It hurt so good he could die right... now.

Or later, in the middle of making love to Lisa or watching Ben work on a science project for school. When the promised moment comes, it's over. He'd die for Sam, and he was fine with that, but... God, please. Why couldn't he live for Ben?

He smelled a sharp fresh scent of coffee brewing, and pressed his fingertip to the corners of his eyes, stuck there in that moment. He's mourned this stuff before, but it's never been so close. Never been so close to attainable as this minute.

And Sam, sitting alone in the motel room, possible reading over some obscure scan of some ancient document? He'd go on and hunt until he died, too. Ben.

Ben would live on. He'd go out there, go to school, take a piece of the world to call his, and keep this branch of the Winchester legacy on the map. Maybe. For a little while... he and Sam could come back here after hunts. Sam and Ben could get to know each other. Sam was kind of a big dork, but he could teach the kid stuff, too. It would be great to watch them together. Doing whatever.

Dean dragged himself out of bed and pulled on his jeans and shirt, then padded down the stairs.

He peered around the corner to the table where Ben was already sitting down to breakfast. Lisa looked up, and Ben shifted in his seat, glancing over. They both smiled.

Dean Winchester walked over to stand next to his kid, fingers ruffling the short hair on his boy's head. He took the cup of coffee Lisa offered him, and he felt the sparkle in his eye when he grinned, tasted it, and declared it the best coffee he's ever had. Best in the world. Best ever. Just like that moment was. Best in the world, best ever, best until it was over for good.

Hopefully the memory of that would carry him over an eternity in hell.